UNITE TEH FUGLIES

OMFG ISH!

I think I'm going to have a heart attack.

I'm so pissed right now. Mostly because I feel like an ass. A real big ass. I keep thinking about shit I did and said and it hurts type ass. I went out with my roommate to a bar. We met up with some girls that he works with. They're all hot save for one. SO guess which one wants to bone me? Yup. And guess which ones act like they dont know me when they're dancing in their little dance circle. My friend is dancing and laughing it up with them while I'm on the outside like an asshole. I'm too sober NOT to feel like an asshole. One of the girls doesnt even make eye contact with me. SO thats going great. Then theres this one girl that I'm practically in love with. I text her stupid shit every once in awhile and I even left a drunk message on her cell phone saying I love her or something. Im not even sure what I said. So, I want to get with this bitch then I find out tonight that she had a boyfriend. FUCK. I wouldnt text her all that shit if I knew. Now I realize why she acted so damn weird around me that night. I see her boyfriend and he the type of guy you would expect to be "the boyfriend". He's some pretty boy in a button down shirt. I see him and all I can think about is breaking his damn nose. Thing is hes probably bigger than me. Not like I would really fight him anyway, I just would like to know that I could beat him. So I'm jealous of my friend that all these girls like him and are dancing with him and not me. I'm pissed that they are ignoring me. Then my paranoid ass is thinking that this girl I want to get with told these girls that I want to get with her, keep him away, or some shit like that. The girl always says she doesnt like to dance. The fuck if she wasnt dancing tonight. I read this girl all wrong. I thought she was single. I still feel like an ass right now, so I can barely think. I really can't describe how stupid I feel right now. I kinda feel like I just got caught by Chris Hanson. Or my mom caught me jerking off to animal porn. Gotta sleep, so I turn all this anger to depression so I can lower my heart rate.

Tuesday... the suck

so there is this guy where I work that used to fuck with me all the time. He is one of the favorites in my dept, so I just kept my mouth shut. it wasn't the case last week. Mr. tonto was making some comments about the way I did my business(being vague here), so I kinda of told him that maybe he should either reserve his comments to himself, or buy a mirror, then I followed with a quote from Mark Twain :"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.". So now, the gurls from that dept are giving me the cold shoulder, but thats okay because I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!. and me not Giving a fuck makes me cooler, or something like that.
Also I received some fucking moronic ass email from a family member, broadcasted to all the family, regarding some fake ass mambo jambo regarding democrats. So I replied with a smart ass comment. It is not that I don't respect the elders, it is just that spreading lies and half-truths about politics its garbage, liberal or conservative.
When I make more money I will turn republican, but for now, I will just remain independent.

I wanna give a few Fuck yous in a shout out style:

A big FU to media channels still running Anna Nicole Smitshit articles
A carcinogenic FU to whoever is lying in this global warming debate.
A nice HMO FU to my health insurance.
A Thick ass FU DICK to all teasing girls.
A chunky peanut butter FU to this fat guy in the gym I attend, always smelling like olives.
A sweet n sour FU to the chinese restaurant that fucked up my order.
A heart felt FU to all underpaid 9-5 jobs.
and finally, a fatfree kielbasa loving FU to the karma king, whose birthday is coming soon.

Tubbster

Why do morbidly obese children look so arrogant?

Quit playing

Is there anything wrong with this? No, I didnt think so.

I'm never going to get vagina

I'm falling asleep right now. Not because I'm tired, but becuase I'm drunk. And I'm farting because of the vanilla ice cream and plum wine I had earlier. You must be wondering waht I'm doing typing this on 2AM the night of St. Patty's day. Well lets just say that a cetain someone that I live with is upstairs about to land some vagina while I'm downstairs listening to a mix CD of disco dance songs to drown out any sex sounds. Now lets be honest. I'm not with anyone right now because I have no game. I spent tonight staring off into space, talking to a dude that also wasn't part of the inner circle of friends that we ran into, and talking to a friend of a friend that I think is really cute. My lame ass was hoping that I could get some play from her because she was really drunk but my kARMA is low so no such luck. So I had to drive my friends car tonight because I was the least drunk of the four of us. And while driving home I joked that I was one of the scariest men in America or someother nonsens, and the cute girl the I wanted to get with said," DOn't say that, you're a nice guy." And you know what that means. SHe thinks I'm a fag and Im never getting any play from her. "Nice guy" is girl slang for 'dude I will never ever fuck'. Other things that make me this happy are going to work, being robbed and contracting untreatable diseases. Hey god, can I have my check please.

The Bar Has Eyes

Did you ever wonder where people with STDs go to meet with other people with STDs? I think I found it. Tonight. They have $1 drinks til midnight and all the trashy vagina you can stand to look at. Talk about awkward. Its no big deal to me when everyone stares at me like I'm from the moon. I like the attention.

Faith in Humans v1.0

This is a new segment, where I talk or present to you things that makes me have faith in humans.



This group of geniuses must be right out of Mensa. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Cooking Ladies

1.
2.
3.
1. Doggy. 2. Knees to shoulders. 3. ALL OVER.
Feed me. Fuck me. Thank you.

Lose your appetite

7 Year Old Girl Weighs 400lbs Or 141kg
Fuk this. This is rubbish! Fuk her parents. Fuk her neighbors. Fuk her teachers. They all deserve a kick to the face. How the fuck do you get that fat? Thats no accident. When you have to move like a walrus, it's time to take notice. Shouldnt her parents be arrested? It's fuking child endangerment. 400 fuking poundS! I dare you to TRY and get that big. Its not happening because its fuking ridiculous. I want to smack EVERYONE in the video. Including the reporter.

Tap me out babe

Yea hmmmm... don't. Be Aware - this hot babe walking the streets of NYC is the beloved daughter of a Gracie. Thats right. She is a black belt Gracie Jiu-Jitsu practitioner. She fights boys and beats them. Her name is Kyra... so if you see a girl that looks like her in a bar... do a "name shout" test. If she looks back.. get ur ass out of that bar asap. Also stay on the look out for guys around her with bat ears. I personally, would hit on her just for the thrill of it, hell I might even let her tap me out.. .or give me an anaconda choke...

Sleep Haiku

When I fall asleep
in the bathroom stall at work
the smell wakes me up.

OMFG THIS GIRL IS DRIVING ME MENTAL

I work with a lot of women, some cute and some really hot. One in particular makes the front of my pants expand(Buju - Champion, listen to the song). Her face is a little rounder than Natalie Portman's and the contour of her body makes me drool. She is all natural too, when I make her laugh she jiggles, and I get back pains.
I can't figure this girl out. She seems to be a really nice person, and that makes me feel like shit cuz I just want to get some crunchy peanut butter on my baguette. One of my coworkers(a Female) tried to hook us up, and she found out she was in a relationship. I really don't care, as long as she doesn't care. I f'ed up. She asked what cell phone service I use, and I didn't take advantage of the situation. 2nd time she asks me about my phone service. Bullet in the Brain.
This is a particular hot picture of Natalie Portman, she looks like she is untangling her hair from dried karmaking milk.

Past Love Haiku

An ode to "Chocolate Mel"

The girls that dump you
always get better looking.
Fuck you irony.

Jerk Sandwich Recipe

Take 3 parties.
Tell 1 friend that you'll go then forget about it the next day.
Tell 2nd friend that you won't make it because you're feeling down and don't feel like driving to celebrate his birthday.
Don't say shit to 3rd friend.
Stay at home and watch Naruto on Cartoon Network.
Get 4th friend to drive you to bar. Get drunk. Jump from bar to bar. Leave.
On ride home call 3 people you never talk to and leave annoying drunk messages.
Tell friend to pull over. Vomit.
When you get home let ingredients bake until you realize how shitty of a night you had.

Office Romance - Haiku

I work with fat men
There are no attractive girls
My penis hates me

I Love the Police

One of my local state troopers was nice enough to pull me over and have a little chat with me. Being the swell guy that he is, he did me a favor and gave me a ticket only for careless driving(Yummy 2 points!) and not for speeding. How the FUCK is that doing me a favor? I dont want your gaddam ticket. Why dont you let me go home? That's a favor. And while your at it, why dont you lick my balls. A favor would be if he let me use his taser on him. I guess when you level up to supreme dickhead level, doing the lesser of two evils is considered a FAVOR. Like shooting someone in the head instead of shooting them in the penis. I'm gonna have a talk with my insurance company and then drop a dumbbell on my neck.

Angel-A

Looks like a cool movie, right? It does. Shame I can't understand it. It's a French movie but the copy I have has Spanish dubs without English subtitles. I can barely speak English so trying to fight through a Spanish dub is out of the question. The pictures in the movie still look purty though. I just can't understand anything being said. It's kinda like a rap video.

Model Shots!

Check Please! I'm an Asshole.

Dysthymia: Many people just walk around seeming depressed - - simply sad, blue or melancholic. They have been this way all of their lives. This is dysthymia - - a condition that people are not even aware of but just live with daily. They go through life feeling unimportant, dissatisfied, frightened and simply don't enjoy their lives. Medication is beneficial for this type of depression

Yeah so I self-diagnosed myself with this. Why? Cuz I dont feel like going to the doctor. Great. So I figured one of the reasons I'm so depressed is because I'm socially retarded. I dont know if there's a definition for it but I could try to give you one. "When you hang out with your buddy and meet up with his lady friends, and the girls are clearly hitting on you, instead of intiating a conversation you stare about the room blankly. Or better yet, when out in a social setting an attractive girl strategically places herself inches infront of you. In fact shes so close that her hair is touching your face. But you dont have the nerve to say anything to her and the longer you wait the stupider you look cuz your just standing there like a jackass. Also when you leave the vicinity, your friends lady friends move to where you were standing, because you wouldn't dance with the chubby one and that made her feel bad, so in their eyes your some cocky asshole when in reality your just a scared bitch." Thank you. I'm walking through dreamland.

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain is Gone

My check is deposited directly through my bank, I just checked my monthly credits, and it seems that ever since December I've been losing $50.00 every paycheck, and this past Friday there is a $350 missing from my Paycheck. Test me life.... test me.

Im in love with Gina Carano

I just did my taxes

SO let me get this straight. I spend 50 hours of my week working like a jerk, and the government wants to hold onto a portion of my money. THen come May they give some back to me if they feel like it. But say if I get wise to them and dont let them hold onto my money, I have to pay an "underpayment" fee. WTF am I dealing with the Mafia?! Fcuk this. I'm going to live in a hut on the beach.

ITALIAN WOMEN!!!! Why so Sexy??

I came across this video :
and I'm extremely upset by it. No, I am not upset that an adult is allowing the students to fondle her, I'm upset because one, I'm not one of the students touching her ass, and two, I never had a teacher as hot as this one. I don't know what else to say about this video, other than I'm upset by it, and that I want to meet more Italian women. I know... All women from all cultures are sexy, or sexy is in the eye of the beholder, or there are other things more important than physical appeal.

If you are hot and Italian and are into immature underpaid men, holla at your boy.

Nipples, Memory & Tissues.

Do women get charged with sexual harassment? Is what I'm about to write considered sexual harassment? Mental harassment, perhaps?
Last week I was working out @ the gym and these two hot girls were talking about some other girl, and they were obviously being very loud. The attention whore kind. As they passed me, the really hot one said "Maggie can suck my left tit", and without missing a beat, I stared right at her left tit and it was saluting me. To make matters worse, she sat right next to me and proceeded to perform seated cable rows. Their conversation was very sexual in nature and I was extremely distracted by it. I'm horny all the time, and I get really horny when I'm working out, to the point where I have to fight myself from getting excited, but in cases like these, I have to tie my shoe or start back stretching. Every guy in that room were starring at that girl. Wear a bra if you're wearing a seethru white tanktop, Teasing FCUK.

TOP 5

THese are my top five best cock blcokers out there. In no particular order.
1.gay friends taht pretend to be straight and when you go out act gay
2.parents because living with your mom is not attractive.
3/ gay friends that hacve hot girl friends and dont dance with them or try to hacve intercouse with them in pubnlic.
4 the police
5gay friends that leaeve clubs early cuz their with some hot chick and they want to go back home and bang with while your ass is looking at some fat girlsl thong.
6 gravity

Who me?

Im, thje type of ghuy that chats up a bar teneder and when its time to seal the deal, bounces with a "take care". You dont get VAGINA saying take care./ You get girl scout cookies. I'm the type of guty that runs into a friend from hjigh shcool. ANd that guy runs into his specioal ed teacher. Im the type of guy who heits th e keyboard hard when he dfrunk. im thje type of guy the jum,ps back and forth. line to line at the store. and the line I pick has the guy whos credit card is fuked up. Im the type of guyyyyyyyyyy owoho wacyhes porn before he sleeps buty wiyth no bust off.

News Flash: I dont care.

What has it been like a month since Anna Nicole died and they're still talking about her. Like she did ANYTHING important. Shit are people sad? What is the fascination? Its the titties, huh? Whoopty dee. She didnt even come out with a sex tape. Wat a fuking waste. Was it surprising that she died? I'm surprised it didnt happen sooner. We all know she was a complete ditz. Remember her show when she balloned up? Yeah that shit was GREAT. Nice contribution. And remember when she was drunk at some award show. "I want Kanye West to produce me." I wish I had some mistle toe and the ability to pull my sac over my face so everyone whos into this ish can kiss my balls. Rubbish.

HEY HEY V-DAY

I just got done celebrating Valentine's Day. I would like to thank Miss Claire Dames for a wonderful 52 minutes of fun. I don't think today would of been the same without her help.

My hand is sore because it's all for ME.

It hurts when I bend over

A few things happening this year. I got a job and I moved the fuk out. My ex-roomate was a split-personality unhealthy brain fungus human. I will miss him/her like I miss putting lipstick in prison. -- I like my job, it is an awesome job because I do less and get paid more, but my boss is really unstable and dangerous so I might leave the job so life doesn't leave me. I need therapy, but I can't afford it, so I work out 6 days a week. People at work are like " Hey man, you are looking great, are you dieting?" No, I'm not, I just pump weights so I don't pump bullets. I've pulled my butt muscle at the gym while doing deadlifts, I didn't even know you could pull your ass muscle, and It's goddamn embarrassing because you can't explain to people why youre walking liek one leg is shorter than the other. -- I'm not bad looking, but I don't score when I go out because I say shit liek "Hey are you drunk yet?", or if she is really attractive, I don't say anything at all and avoid eye contact at all cost. I don't fart in public(I consume alot of protein), so I give myself credit like not farting in public is my good deed for the day. Yes, I'm an adult.

Nip or Tuck

So Im at an after hours club. Its around 2 am. Its this swanky narrow piece of rubbish. Security outside is all dress in black and snooty. People waiting in line are all dress in black and snooty. The line is staggered outside, just like a New York club, except this is philly. It's 15 to get in. My cheap ass almost had a heartattack. INside people are dressed sharp and act like assholes. Their big money droppers and their rude as hell. It how you would expect a club to be from a movie. excpet there were no vampires. I wanted to stab someone. SO I see this thick latina chick and I tell my friend " damn I want to fuck that girl". BUt something is off about her. I dont know what. I think she might be a guy. I dont know why. She just gave me that vibe. Later we'er dancing and I notice a bunch of gay dudes. I'm like wutthufuk. Should of expect it. They were playing house music after all. So for some reason one of my buddies tells me that the bartender says that there is one tranny we have to look out for. Whatthefuk a tranny? It must be that chick I saw earlier. I point her out and I was right. I thought a tranny was hot. So now I dont want to dance with any girls anymore. BUt this girl comes up to me and tries to dance. I go for it. At first. But I'm worried. SHes ugly. Like predator ugly. She when we dance I;m feeling her crotch with my thigh to see if she has a package. And when ever she looks up Im checking out her throat. Fuck I dont know. all I nowe is shes ugly enought to be a man so I dip out. I finally see two girls that are so hot athat they have to be girls. My friends is talking to me in my ear about not letting him get in a fight and I'm staring one girl down. We make eye contact. Then she comes to me "Why are you talking about us? We can see you looking at us." SHes not playing. Shes pissed. I pissed off the hottest girls there. Great. Me and my buddy try to diffuse the situation but its too late. They walk off and he syas " shit, they must be trannies."

Miss I am Drunk Waitng to go out on Saturday

And you are3 the winner Miss Gianna Michaels. I think I would have to use a muay thai kickboxing sex technique to pleasure this girl. I love her but my Haines boxer briefs want time and a half. I dont have enough blood in my system to hold a conversation with her,. If i had a magic lamp i would want my shaft to have a jousting match with her cheeeks.

Wolverine hereoes girl

Am I the only one the doesnt knwo that the cheerleader from heroes is like 17? Does it matter thought really? I saw a little more junjk in the trunk lasat episode so that mean s she another step to being a full grown woman and releasing a sex tape or getting a talk show. My penis thinks shes 32, and when we argue it wins. So her name is hayden pantiere or something like that. hayden pantyraid. I dont knwo. I guess thats innapropriate but in a year that s legit. All I knoes is that if I had her power from heroes I would cut my head hofff anmd let grow back all beautiful like a garden or a lake.

Oh lord give me balls

Am I a bitch for being tricked into taking a girl out on a date? Fuck yeah I am. I'm in it for the Vag and I haven't seen it. I'm not really interested in what she has to say. But afterwords shes always like 'i had a nice time. Youll call me right?" And my bitch ass says yes. I should answer her with " are you gonna touch your toes for me?" but that might kill the deal.

I don't want your life

I just read that Justin Timberlake has been hanging around Jessica Biel. Not only that but hes been seen with Scarlett Johansson. This is such great news. Justin Timberlake got to do the bang bang with Jessica Biel AND Scarlett Johannson. And I now this cuz that's what famous people do when the get together. They bang bang. They use hundred dollar bills as protection and write million dollar checks to wipe away the baby juice. SO abra-cadabra Justin Timberlake, now I'm miserable. Your boyish charm has managed to land you the hottest bitches in Hollywood and send me spiraling down into a jealous depression. You can have your impish singing voice, beautiful women, and millions of dollars. I dont want it. I got something Timberlake doesnt have. I got work tommorrow.

Rigor Mortis Kick

I think a little pee dribble out when I saw this. The dude ate the kick and immediately became "Dawn of the Dead".

Drunken Dough Dippin

I'm not one to kiss and tell, but let's say me and this chick were trying to bake cookies last night. We're in her room, both drunk, trying to put the cookie dough in the oven. But we'er both drunk. So the dough's not right, its all limp and shit. But a minute ago it was looking fine. But we dont have enough time to fix it. We're in a rush cuz our friends are in the living room eating. They dont know we're making cookies and we dont want them to find out. But they'er my ride home and they're probably gonna bounce soon so we have to bake them quick. So we decide to put it in the oven anyway. But we gotta cover it. The rooms dark and we're trying to be discreet so I pull out a sheet to cover the cookie with but I couldn't see and it was dark so it didn't cover it right and I think it was on backwards. Anyway the dough is still not right, but the girl is all like "come on, stick it in the oven". Who am I to argue with her. So I try to slide in but I can only get the top of the tray in. Son of a bitch. The tray is bending, it's not hard enough. So I try to work it but I already covered it and I can't feel shit. FUck. So I take another stab at it. I figure Ill shove whatever I can in there and maybe itll shape up. So I'm trying to pump it in the oven but it still aint working. What the fuck? This isnt happening. I'm thinking maybe I need to turn the oven around and that will fix my problem. But I'm like fuck it, not enough time. So I cram my fingers in the oven instead. And I jamming in their and she lovin it. And the rooms dark and I'm drunk. So I see some shit that might not be their. I think they're was some shit in the oven already. Like a cooked ham or roll of toilet paper or a tampon. FUCK if I know, I ignore it. Hopefullly I was just seeing things. My fingers came out okay so thats all that matters. Anway shes lovin it. And shes loud. Loud enough for my friends in the living room to hear. The girl outside is like"Oh, my god I dont want to be here" Shit they know we'er baking cookies. Covers blown. I only got the top of the tray in. I didnt get to BAKE! DAMN it ! I jammed that shit in their good for her too. I could of been greedy and try to get mine. But I was like fuck, at least her ovens working. But it was a waste of a cooking sheet. Fuck those things are expensive man. HAd to dump it in her trash. Walking out her room was awkward. I had to play it off like we weren't baking, but it was damn obvious we were. So we bounced and i didnt get her number. What the fuck would I want that for? I bake and leave baby. My 2 friends drove me home and I sat in the back giggling to myself. every once in a while a would make a goofy fuck face to my guy friend through the rear veiw mirror. I think the only one that had a problem with us making cookies was the girl friend. Because shes a girl and having problems is what girls do. Anyhoo my 2 friends work with this chick. And they work with a bunch of other people that saw us together early that night. So they'll probably run their mouths and rag on her that we did the cookie thing. Sucks for her. Personally I dont give a fuck. I only got the tray half way in anyway.

HERE WE GO

WELCOME TO CORN BEEF HASH KINGS

WE WILL RUN THIS SH*T